See that last line? It's a lie. This year was harder than last year. In the weeks leading up to Christmas (and during Christmas Mass), the priests said to be joyful. Even when you're hurting or grieving for a loved one, be joyful. I tried. I really did. Tears welled up during mass...I swear I could hear my mom singing. I know she wouldn't want us to be sad on this day.. on her birthday that she shares with Jesus.
Then, I start chastising myself. I'm an adult...I knew my mom wouldn't be around forever. I should be able to do without her. But, gosh, I miss her.
I have a friend whose mother went in for a heart cath the other day, but they couldn't complete it and called in hospice. My heart aches for her, but she has time to say goodbye to her. She has time to rack her brain and think of questions to ask her. My mom was here one day & gone the next. Just. Like. That.
My mom didn't get to tell us that it's going to be okay. That we're going to be okay. It's hard to see my daddy getting through each day without her.
Another friend talked about going through all of the stages of grief. She talked about the anger stage, which I still haven't gone through. Not in the sense that I'm mad that she's gone. She was in pain every day, and she lived her life for the moment that she would gain entrance into heaven. Was she a saint? Was she perfect? No, absolutely not. But, how can I be angry that she left this life exactly as she wanted? Doesn't everybody wish for more time with their parents before they pass away?
Christmas was just...weird. I ended up getting OS the exact same clothes that I did last year. (oops!) The presents just aren't important any more. So, next year, I think we'll skip it. We'll have the Christmas Eve Dinner & Christmas Morning Brunch. But presents? Unless they ask for something specific, I think we'll skip it. I just don't think it should feel like an obligation; it should be something you want to do. I'd much rather have my family with me at Midnight Mass than any thing in the world. Maybe next year.
Maybe next year won't be so hard.
I am so sorry, it is hard to have a holiday without our moms. Its been 9 years and I still struggle to celebrate Christmas. It is also hard to buy our adult kids gifts. I do a lot of gift cards, works easier, but definitely miss their young days when it was fun to get things on their lists. I hope next Christmas is a kind one for you.ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry. I think that being joyful and being happy are two different things. I'm not sure that you can be totally happy when you're hurting like that, and it's okay! There's good reason to hurt. But it sounds to me like you are joyful for the right reasons, rejoicing in the love that you have for her (and she for you and your family), rejoicing that she is no longer in pain, that she is in a better place. Rejoicing in those things doesn't mean not hurting about how much you miss her.ReplyDelete
Hello, new blogger friend..and fellow NC resident!! Sometimes I think the holidays have been made to be over-rated.....a forced-upon, feel-good, time with family and friends for a glorious time by all. Your pain is totally OK and expected, please don't feel otherwise. I'm so sorry for your loss and my prayers for you are that you find peace and contentment with the fond memories of your mom.ReplyDelete
As for next year....I like your idea, unless someone requests something...or just find it in the moment...I'm skipping the gifts.
((Hugs)) My heart aches for you. We have Tristen here with Adam and she lost her father before Christmas last year. I haven't been able to talk with her yet about how she is doing. She has been quite and I'm sure that is why. I pay that next year will not be as hard.....ReplyDelete
I'm sorry for the sadness. My mother-in-law passed away on All Saints Day this year. My husband seemed to do OK with the holidays, but his sister had a really hard time. Yes, hopefully next year will be easier!ReplyDelete